1 post tagged “angst”

    I am 50 pages in to the re-write.  I have drastically changed two subplots, written one new chapter, re-written a second one entirely, switched the roles of two major characters and what their motivation is, and written in one new character.
    I'm exhausted.
    I really want to finish this month, but I'm being forced to deal with the fact that at this pace it will take at least one more month, maybe two.  Gr.
    I have 125 pages to go.  That doesn't include the fact that I will have to write in another chapter.  My sanity is only saved by the fact that I'm planning on excising most of at least one chapter, so it should even out to about the same length.  I am somewhat angst ridden about the fact that I will no longer have thirteen chapters, even though that is a totally arbitrary number.  Why does it matter?
    It doesn't!
    ARGH!
    I really should be taking it easier on myself, because I don't want to enter into November and writing Firelight already half neurotic.  Though, to be honest, half-neurotic is when I do my best work.  I was suicidally depressed when I wrote Ravens, and that depression is what caused me to give in to the desire to kill Yita (who was, at the time, my favorite character) and inspired the end of the novel.  I probably would have never written the book had I felt like myself.  Chase was a character that I came up with mostly out of a desire to give myself hope.  That makes Chase, the novel, another book I never would have produced had I been totally happy.
    There are times when I wonder if I would be able to write when I'm actually happy.
    I can edit when I'm happy.
    Can I produce a novel when I'm happy?  I don't know.
    That makes it very, very ironic that I'm heading into my fourth NaNoWriMo totally angst ridden and pissed at the world.  I'm not depressed this time, but I'm not happy either.
    Oh, the irony of life!